I Got Nothing

Okay, so I’m supposed to make a new life and I am here to tell you, I got nothing.

For the last year, I’ve really just tried to duplicate (somewhat) the old life. I sat up housekeeping across town, so to speak. I didn’t stop to ask myself, what’s next? Partly because I didn’t have the time. It was imperative that I get a job, find a place for myself and my youngest son to live, and then work really hard to ensure I kept a job. Okay, so all that was accomplished (more by God than by me, but that is another post).

The dust has settled and the question looms. What do you want to do with your life now? I know, such a cliche of a question, but there it is. The answer?

Heck, I don’t know. A few things come to mind. Not be poor. Travel to see the kids. Afford my own home one day. I mean, I don’t know. How does one decide that?

I realize that I am already building a new life just by living a new life (I am nothing if not profound), but I wonder if I’m not doing it by default when I should be very deliberate. Let’s face it, default is so much easier because the first thing you need when designing a new life is a plan, and honestly, just thinking of that makes me want to take a nap.

Building a life was easier with the ex. He was so opinionated  The man had thoughts on wallpaper (he was against it) and pedestal sinks (again, against it, don’t you feel sorry for me?). He knew where he wanted to live (the middle of nowhere), what he wanted to be (a forester), what he wanted to do (hunt and retire early), how many children he wanted (none, but would settle for two since that seemed appropriate) and what kind of truck he wanted to drive (Ford F-150, although in a surprise move in the later years of our marriage he switched to a Toyota Tacoma, which was earth shattering to say the least). He knew what he wanted out of life, and there was no changing his mind, hence the lack of wallpaper and pedestal sinks at South Turkey Creek.

If only I were that sure.

My problem is that it all looks good. Like, maybe I’ll be on Dancing with the Stars. That seems fun and a sure-fire way to lose weight. Why not? Or, I’ve got a massive crush on L.L. Cool J (whom I refer to as LL Kool-Aid). Maybe he needs a driver or a maid or just a listening ear? I could go work for him and get to watch NCIS-LA before it hits the airwaves. Or I could continue to manage the flower market for as long as it stays open. Which is good too because I totally “dig plants” and they really are my passion. God made me a gardener, so that’s cool. Not that it pays much, but it is fun.

The choices are limitless. The places to live are well, everywhere. So, what is the process by which a person builds a life? How does one decide what is next? Especially when we live in a world that has so many choices, and might I add, cool outfits to accompany those choices?

I will start with prayer and assume God has a plan. Because me? I got nothing.

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