From Handyman to Google

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My ex is a man who can fix anything. In almost 25 years of marriage, he was never stumped. He never proclaimed that this project was beyond his ability. We never called a plumber, electrician, furnace repair guy or even, a vet. And, just as good, while some men can fix, but are too lazy too, my ex took pride in “staying on top of things.” Definitely the kind of man a girl wants to marry. You hear what I’m saying.

I got so spoiled by that particular attribute that when he left, and I  moved into a home of my own, I couldn’t unstop a toilet. Not that I wanted too, but when it’s needed, that is a skill you want to possess.

A big thanks to my friend, Debbie N., for walking me through that not-as-complicated-as-you’d-think-but-I-still-hope-to-never-do-it-again, task. Mad skills, girl, mad skills.

So, from the guy who could refinish furniture to look better than brand new, or keep the same lawn mower going for 25 years, to living single in a brick rancher (I really wanted to say in a double-wide), what’s a girl to do? Google it.To my utter amazement, I might add.

Here’s a list of some of the things we’ve googled this year. (My 19 year old son lives with me, hence the “we”. He did not inherit the fix-it trait from his father.)

1. How to unlock the bathroom door from the outside. Picture this. My Bonus Daughter goes into the bathroom and locks the door. She comes out but somehow the door is still locked. She shuts it. We have one bathroom. We can’t open the door, and there are no windows to crawl through. We google for a solution. You wouldn’t believe the YouTube videos with step-by-step instruction on this one. I mean, this seems like a one in a million thing to me, but I guess people are locking themselves out of their bathrooms daily. (Btw, you did not hear it from me that she locked us all out of the one bathroom. Just sayin…)

2. How to get a bird out of the house. LIttle Kitty managed to capture a very big bird, wrestle it between her teeth, drag it up a flight of stairs, through a kitty door, and into my bedroom for my good morning treat. My screams woke everyone up, even the neighbors who keep the blinds shut tight. I saw a peep from them. Again, google it. It’s all there. Removing one bird, or several if that’s the case. Seriously, birds. It’s a cat. Fly away. How many times does this have to happen?

3. How to mount the flat screen tv on the wall. This one gets a  #googlefail. Here’s why. 10 billion men decided to do a video on how to mount the tv. None of them are in agreement on the proper way to install the mount. Need I say more?

4. How to unstop the toilet when the plunger just won’t work. There are several options here. Turns out our toilet has a strange hump (picture a camel’s back) in its bowels, so the many possibilities that included everything from coat hangers, to the vacuum cleaner method (please don’t use your household vacuum for this job, its a wet/dry deal people), to vinegar, did not work. The plumber was called, though again, a shout out to Debbie N. who seems to know a lot about toilets.

5. Which direction to string a weed-eater.  Please refer to #3 above. Too many thoughts on this one. I mean, there is only one way, right?

6. Which cables go to which part of the battery when jump starting a car. IPADS are best for this tricky, and potentially dangerous one. You hold the IPAD with one hand, and while watching the video, connect the cables with the other hand. And, hope your neighbors aren’t watching.

7. How to get snakes out from under the house. I cannot talk about this one. I go catatonic.

Here’s what I’m thinking. I’m glad I got divorced post-internet. What the heck did a girl did prior to Yahoo or Google or Bing?


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